December is for Dancing, Apparently

My girlfriends want to go dancing tonight. Apparently they think that because I danced last Friday night that I’ll be up for it again. Maybe my last blog post wasn’t clear on the issue? I mean, it was titled “Mortification in December”. The bitches probably didn’t even read it.

They clearly were not there, and come to think of it, I’m not sure any of them have ever seen me try to dance before. Turns out, to my good fortune, most of the people who were there last Friday, including the guy I danced with, have memories as fuzzy as mine about what exactly happened under the disco ball.

So, as the days have passed, my recollection of how it went keeps shifting a little in my favor. Perhaps the vodka sodas (forgot about those! oops!) loosened up my hips enough to actually move them in a sexy way, rather than in the stiff, awkward and slightly painful way they move when I make sober attempts to dance. Maybe I was actually graceful, and in time with the music!? In fact, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the video below might be a good approximation of what I looked like with my dancing partner:

“Things that you would not do at home, come naturally on the floor…” 
Oh. Em. Gee. Truer lyrics were never sung.

Oh who am I kidding?

If only I had that dress! And that hip-to-waist ratio! And that grace!

I mean Jesus on a cracker that woman can dance. Speaking of Jesus, watching this sort of makes me want to ask the dude why he couldn’t have blessed me with just a little bit of rhythm. I mean I know you’re supposed to dance like no one is watching…but THEY ARE, IN FACT, WATCHING, which means THEY WILL SEE ME when I fall down.

Clearly I have some issues with this dancing thing. Truth be told, it’s more likely that I pulled out moves from this other classic Christmas movie scene:

Despite all this, I’ve agreed to go dancing tonight. A fun friend is visiting from DC, and I will not let her down! She is expecting to see me on the dance floor, and I’m guessing she’s hoping to witness some of my trademark awkwardness*. And just to ensure this, I will be putting on some heels again, and maybe I’ll just have one vodka soda, y’know, to loosen up the ol’ hips!

More Food, Less Pain,

*Bonus! We’ll be with a friend who, while dancing one night, was asked if she was “okay” by a concerned stranger. Because her dancing was just that bad. Maybe next to her I’ll look like Vera-Ellen! Woohoo!


3 thoughts on “December is for Dancing, Apparently

  1. Do any of your good friends have a video camera? I'm sure we'd all like to be able to watch and reassure you that you are equally as graceful as Vera Ellen! Or Danny Kaye.

  2. In my defense, it was a Prince song, and I could not help it…you know what I am talking about, right? Those riffs won't let go of me!!! I did, by the way, tell that unpleasant woman (with disproportionately large hips, I might add) that I was, indeed “better than you!” I am sticking with my opinion that I am an excellent dancer…see you on the floor!

  3. I have aspired to be Vera Ellen ever since I first watched this movie with my grandparents too many years ago! We can all dream of having such grace & such a tiny waist:-) You and I would have looked AWESOME in those clothes!

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